Masochistic (self-defeating)

I suffer, therefore I deserve love.

In this clinical usage the word has nothing to do with sexuality. The self-defeating style describes a habit of caring for others at one's own expense, feeling guilty about pleasure or success, and enduring in the hope that patience will be noticed. Having trouble asserting one's needs never makes a person responsible for being mistreated by someone else.

These are patterns often described for this style in general. They are not statements about you.

Characteristic feelings

Sadness, guilt, and resentment that goes unspoken.

Inner conflict

One's own needs versus keeping the relationship.

Core fear

Being seen as selfish, being rejected, being left alone.

Ways of coping

Taking the blame on oneself (introjection). Turning anger against oneself. Treating endurance as proof of being good (moralization).

Sources of self-esteem

Being needed, enduring hardship for others, being morally in the right.

How others often experience it

Others often feel sympathy and a wish to help at first, and frustration later, when help is turned down ("yes, but…").

Strengths

Loyalty, stamina and real empathy. Often the person who holds a family or a team together.

Where it gets in the way

Exhaustion and hidden resentment. Help and pleasure are hard to accept. One's own happiness gets quietly undermined.

Work that often feels comfortable

Often found in helping professions, volunteering and demanding social work.

What can happen under prolonged stress

Under prolonged stress: exhaustion, and staying too long in relationships or jobs that hurt.

In relationships

Often end up with partners who take more than they give. It goes better with someone who notices their needs and gives back.

Fictional characters with similar traits

Samwise Gamgee, Dobby, Melman.